Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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