i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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