life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
