Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
