The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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