No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The power of my boobs compel you
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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