I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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