Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
