I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
