You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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