He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
