Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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