tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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