my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
