Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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