lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
