I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
