I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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