Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
