So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You can't just leave with hair like that
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
