even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
