I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
