Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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