she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
