just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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