if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I supernannyed him into submission
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize