its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
