So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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