Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
