I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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