You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
