its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
