Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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