dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
