I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
