I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
