I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
