When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
