Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
