You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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