i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I should be sponsored by Trojan
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
