Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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