you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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