I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
