he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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