i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
