I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
