Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
