I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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