dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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