White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
