Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
ttyl tear gas
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
tell me about the eggs
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