Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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