I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm always down for nudity.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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