Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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