i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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