I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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