I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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